Expectations

 I am not a blogger. I have never been good and writing down how I feel. Nor do I think being vulnerable to strangers. I keep a personal journal from time to time, but I usually don’t broadcast my thoughts and experiences in a super public setting. I know what I have to say does have value and can help people, but I am not one to take time out of my life to share my story with others. I tend to be one of those people that has a very close, tight knit circle of people in my life and don’t care too much about what other people outside of that circle may think of me. Now, I am setting myself up to sound like a total jerk right? Well I promise you that I am not. I love serving people, making conversation with strangers, and having deep discussions with people. I love connecting with people and seeing others succeed. However, I know that I sometimes care too much. I can give 110%, while the other person is only giving me 50%, and yet I still feel like there’s more I could be doing. That is why I have learned to set boundaries for myself, so that I don’t get walked all over or worse over-work myself trying to help everyone else. So yes, it takes a lot for me to trust someone and let my wall down, but that is because I have come to learn who I am and how to make sure I am taking care of myself 110% before I try to put that much energy into someone else. 

This is why at times relationships can be hard for me, because I will always give 110%. I tend to be the girl that always looks at the glass half full, gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, and will do anything for the people she loves. I often think to myself is this a bad way to be in a relationship? At the beginning of this year I got engaged to a man who I truly did love. We had some many strengths as a couple, but also individually. However, we each had some weaknesses, and me being me, I naturally put in that 110% of myself to make it work. Yet, the more I gave, the more exhausted I became.. Whenever we would talk about wedding planning, our future family, or expectations I realized we just weren’t really on the same page.  We had always been such great communicators and always found a way to work through things good and bad. However, as we sat down and started going deeper into our expectations during the engagement process, I just never felt like we could agree on much without one of us having to “comprise”. The conversations would usually end with “oh we’ll figure this out when the time comes” which just always left me so uneasy. There was nothing “wrong” with either one of us, yet the closer our wedding day got the more uneasy I’d feel. There were of course other factors that I won’t go into now, but the inability to set expectations as a couple really worried me. As more time passed my exhaustion grew and I knew that I couldn’t marry this man so I broke it off. 

Throughout all that I went through in that relationship one thing I learned is that it is SO IMPORTANT to have those hard discussions during engagement. It is important to go over the “expectations” you each have. For example, whose family for holidays, how many kids, how will you each contribute, contact with friends and family, how free time will be used, talking to others of the opposite sex, how you’ll raise kids, religion, politics, etc….. THE LIST COULD GO ON FOREVER. Don’t be afraid to have those talks with your significant other. For me I realized that though we had always been great communicators, we were not able to set expectations clearly and cooperatively as a couple. This was a big deal to me and I may have been pretty blind-sided if I would have waited to have these conversations after marriage. Personally, I set boundaries to keep me wrong getting hurt and out-doing myself at the expense of others. In a relationship I have learned that talking and SETTING expectations in the engagement process especially is a CRUCIAL step for a couple. It can make you see things more clearly, which can direct you away from marrying the wrong person, as in my case. However, it can also be a time of great bonding and strength to a relationship that will last a lifetime.