Listen First

 Whenever you ask someone what is the key to a successful relationship they always say, “COMMUNICATION” and they would not be wrong. However, to simply say that it is just communication would be a stretch. What does communication even mean? I communicate with people all the time and don't have a strong relationship with everyone I have ever talked to. That is why just communicating is not enough to have a successful relationship with those around us and especially our family members. If we dig a bit deeper we will actually find that the KEY to communication does not involve any words at all, rather it all begins by being a good listener. Let me share a few quotes that I feel illustrate this concept better than my own words can:

1. “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”-Unknown

2. “If you think communication is all talk, you haven’t been listening.” -Ashley Brilliant

3. “Be as passionate about listening as you are about being heard.”-Brene Brown

4. “The basic need of all human needs is the need to understand and to be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” -Ralph Nicholas

5. “Any problem, big or small, within a family always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening.” -Emma Thompson

In order to communicate successfully we must first be able to listen and understand what the person is telling us. We must be willing to put our own thoughts and feelings to the side and learn how to listen with real intent. Now communication can come in many forms. It can be just your basic superficial conversation, it can develop into very personal discussion, or we can use it as a time to validate one another. However, in order to know what kind of conversation you are in, you need to first listen, understand, and then respond when needed. 

A good acronym for the concept of listening is “E.A.R.”: Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. All of these must be present as we listen to the things others say. It is especially important in a family, because whether we like it or not living with someone 24/7 can at times be irritating. We can easily find ourselves fighting, being petty, or holding grudges. However, if a family creates an environment where each member feels safe vocalizing the things that they are struggling with, then they feel understood and these uneasy moments don’t fester. The same goes for positive validation as well as a family communicates in an edifying way that bonds them closer together. 

A great discussion about this idea of listening and communication can be seen in Brene Brown's description of empathy vs sympathy. Empathy drives connection and sympathy drives connection away. As communicators and listeners we must be willing to listen and feel with people, this is empathy. We must be willing to let others know they are not alone or feel stupid for the things they are sharing with you. Listening will always allow us to find something that we can connect to and you can reassure the other person that they are not alone. We don’t have to fix the person's problem, we need to connect with them and that comes from being able to understand them, which stems from being able to listen intently. 

If you are struggling to connect to someone or you feel like all your conversations are just going in a big circle with no results. I would highly recommend you close your mouth and open your ears. Listen with the intent to really understand what it is that the person is trying to tell you. Be there to comfort and edify them. Sometimes the most uplifting conversations I have had with people and the ones where I barely spoke. All I said were things like “I understand”, “I am proud of you”, “I am sorry you have to go through that”, or “you are not alone.” Listen, have empathy, make a connection, and use words when needed. You’ll be surprised at the results!