Healthy Dating

    

    When it comes to dating in today’s society, it can be so hard to know if you're doing it “right”. This post will be dedicated to those who want to know how to date successfully. Dr. John Van Epp developed a dating model called the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), which goes over five key elements that need to be present in order to date successfully. These five components are know, trust, rely, commit, and touch in that order. In order to date successfully it is important to follow this model. 

This may sound like common sense, but let me give you a few scenarios and see if you can relate. Scenario one, you have been dating someone for a few months and most of your dates include sitting on the couch watching tv having make-out sessions. Scenario two, you are individually very insecure and unhappy with your life, but then when you’re with your significant other you are so happy that your happiness actually relies on you being in a relationship. Third scenario, you started officially dating someone after the first date and you are so stressed out, but don’t feel like you can trust the person you’re with because you really don’t know them yet. Now these are just a few random experiences that people may find themselves in. 

Let’s dig apart the first scenario, that many would call “netflix and chill”, which basically means a tv show is on, but all your doing is making-out. Many people consider these “dates”, but what are you learning about each other? All you know is that you are physically attracted to them. You jumped straight to the “touch” part of a relationship without getting to know them and oftentimes avoiding real commitment. 

Now the second scenario, of relying too much on someone. If you or your partner are not able to be self-reliant individually you will find that you rely solely on a relationship to make you happy. Or you start to instantly create “expectations” that if you want to be happy your other half has to do certain things to make you happy. I have seen a few great friends you felt like the only way they’d be happy was if they were married. So what did they do they met someone, made their happiness dependent on their relationship, got married, and now a few years later are divorced because they relied so much on a “marriage” to make them happy.  

Lastly the third example happens so much. You meet someone and instantly jump into commitment of exclusively dating without knowing or having a trust with that person. Let’s say you are having a bad day and are so stressed but since you don’t really know your significant other you keep it all inside and then end up not being yourself in the relationship or changing your personality to show that you are committed. That makes absolutely no sense, why would someone do that? We do it because we don’t know the RAM as we date.

Let me explain how this goes. We first start with getting to know each other. We go on fun dates and ask questions. The more we get to know each other the more we will trust each other. We will allow ourselves to have a good connection and open up to being vulnerable and starting to rely on each other in healthy ways. Then we will actually have a desire to commit to each other and the physical touch will just solidify the relationship. As we continue to practice each step in order the others will naturally follow. It is important to always focus on the order of the RAM even as touch comes. Never focus so much on one aspect of the RAM that you ignore the others. If you do this you will find success in dating and a partner who you can create a healthy relationship with.