Unspoken Roles

Regardless of how functional or picture perfect your family may appear, within each family there are roles that are placed on the individual members. Some of these are obvious, vocalized roles such as being the mother, father, sibling, etc. However, many roles can be acquired without choice or discussion. For example, in my family I am often known as the responsible, dependable one. My family can always rely on me to be the strong, steady minded one they can turn to for strength or reassurance. I am the sister who can help you make a decision and is there for you whenever you need it. The daughter who does everything she can to make her parents proud. I am the niece or granddaughter who always makes an effort to keep in touch. Not that my other family members don't have these abilities, but I know that more than anyone else in the family I have developed this role. One thing that I hear so many times when I catch my family talking about me is that, "you don't have to worry about Autumn, she always finds a way to make it work." How does this affect me? Well it can be a positive and negative outcome. This role placed on me has made me become a very responsible, dependable, self-reliant individual. I have learned how to push past obstacles and never settle for anything less than my best effort. However, on the flip side I find myself at times always trying to be perfect. Even the simplest failures take a large hit on my self-esteem. I am often neglecting my own needs and goals to make sure they match the expectations set for me. Now no one ever sat me down and told me, “Autumn you will be the one in the family who always has to be strong and have her life together.” Never once have I had a conversation even close to that, but yet as I have grown up I have placed myself and been expected to carry on a role. 

So how does this non-spoken family role evolve? Well most of us know the phrase practice makes perfect. This is very similar to how we adapt our family roles. We day by day participate in activities and experience that either build or destroy a role we take on. We just fill a role and then continue feeding into that role until eventually it becomes an expectation, but not just at once rather gradually over time so it feels natural. Many have heard the story of how to boil a frog. You stick the frog in a pot of normal water and then slowly turn up the heat allowing the frog to become immune to the fact that the water is getting hotter, until eventually it boils them. This may seem a little far stretched, but we are the frogs while the unspoken roles we take on can be represented by the gradual rise in temperature. 

The trick is to find a balance between accepting this role and then being realistic with your actual role. Like I have mentioned, no family is perfect and no one person can fix a family. No one person can destroy a family either. Yes, we must accept these unspoken roles we take on in our family unit, but we do not have to let them take over our personal roles we desire most. In the end, what makes this balance successful is understanding that this role in the family should not diminish the goals and personal self esteem of you as an individual. A team is only as strong as its weakest link. In a family, we can not let these roles make us weaken our own personal hopes and dreams. We must be confident in ourselves and be happy with the way these unspoken roles impact our lives. A strong family is built of confident individuals who accept their family role and also know how to balance their own needs.